Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
