Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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