just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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