There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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