if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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