I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
