porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Randomize
