I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
