Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
