if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Randomize
