I don't usually arrange sex via text message
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I don't want my vagina anymore.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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