seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I supernannyed him into submission
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Randomize
