im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
