today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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