I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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