If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
