11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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