I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
