i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I think I won the penis lottery.
Michael Bay diarrhea
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
