Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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