The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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