Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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