Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
