Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
