Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
You are the jesus of drinking
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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