Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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