I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
