The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
