Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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