Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
