Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
