I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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