dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
