I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
