just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
