my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
