As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
