I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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