No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Randomize
