I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
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