i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
