I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Randomize
