I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Randomize
