I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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