you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
