I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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