my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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