I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
