I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I could make wine with my vomit
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
