I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Randomize
